02/14/26
Happy Kum V-Day (fka Valentine’s Day), all you out-there edgelovers!
As Forrest Gump once said: “Life is like an oversized heart-shaped box of cum-filled sweets. You never know what you’re gonna get. But at least cum is a guarantee! Maybe also diabetes and communicable disease!”
Disclaimer: Cum cows are currently experiencing this Mandela-effect thing where we remember Forrest Gump saying the darnedest things that he supposedly never said. We think it makes the movie 10x better.
Anyway, I’ve been out walking in our winter cummerland, and sweet are the sights. And the sounds and smells, by the Bovine Divine! We thought we had beginner’s fuck luck with Cum Punk #1: Cummer 2025, but turns out there was way more cum to cum. We are proud and honored that our cum cows chose our funny farm, of all funny farms, to call home. We are grateful, too, for all the cummunity support and pubic public interest in our cum cow barn since erecting it only one year ago, on this very day (Happy Birthday, Cum Punk!) Truly warms the cockles of our slushy udders. For all this, and so much more, we say: MOO! (THANK YOU!)
All winter long, we’ve been deep in the nerve center of the creamery, working in HR-violating congress with candy-colored sex clowns to assemble a whole new lineup of tasty transgressions alongside time-honored treats, such as our Cumtittlyhumptious Bars, Juggworth Jigglers, and Jizzy Lifting Drinks!
So we do hope you enjoy our Wintry MiXXX. To maximize your pleasure, we suggest using a silly straw to slurp up the whole dang thing shame-free, i.e., goon-scroll til you get a stomachache—some of this shit truly is sick in the head sickly sweet.
And for those still wondering: What is Cum Punk?
No explanation is the best explanation.
But if you seek to understand, first ask: What is cum?
A release. An emission. A wet-hot eruption. The physical manifestation of kundalini-tickling ecstasy. Pure no-mind joy. Always fresh, even when frozen. And occasionally, a substance that smells curiously like brie.
Because here at Cum Punk, we love sex and we love fucking and we love whores and we love the realm of pure fantasy which is absolute freedom. It’s the eternal rebellion, and it’s evergreen because our society is still sexually retarded. But you know who isn’t retarded? Forrest Gump. Man nuts the stuff of dreams.
AND MOST OF ALL, we love cum cows. It’s always darkest, and coldest, before the dawn of a brand new fuckface, but the Bovine Divine lifts us. Straight helium in those triple-Zs!
We hope these warm wishes couched within delusions of grandeur self-mythologizing proclamations keep you happy and hygge…
until cummertime, when the livin’ is even sleazier. But idk bc winter is low-key the most freakiest time of the year—would explain all the September birthdays and the global Virgo crisis (love you, C.U.Morgenrede!)
Yours in all things ooey-gooey,
Kum V
PSA: Don’t forget to drip your cum nozzles in sub-freezing temps. And remember: if you’re cold, they’re cold. Bring your cum cows indoors!
