how scared they were to penis-to-pussy me for months thinking i’d keep the baby
terrified i was the girl gonna make a parent of you.

i never begged with words but
ohhhh the eyes do.

i usually practice unsafe sex, just like you
so when we were ready to fuck with a too-small condom and a no-dick-get-ty hard
our rocks got off with mouths and fingers
whispers of how bad we wanted to be inside of me.

it only took one week until i broke my horse
and fused into one figure inseparable.

like the holy incarnate does
we cleaned away catholic guilt and body shame.

for now we were granted in every day, a new crop of hours to fuck and explore the inside of 2 trains—window to window—riding next to each other on different tracks.

in our last few days train riding in symbiosis i held an ocean and shower baptism
i sucked them off in the bathtub, waterboarded by the shower head while perfect fingers ascended me into the light and i became a DIY firework show exploding off the rooftops for just a moment.

when i cry my sad sad tears you hold me in those arms calling me baby.

the trains have CRASHed.

we didnt even make it to the part of long distance where you have to fuck over the phone
and im a good talker
a big imaginer
i promise you would feel my mind body spirit pussy through the glass screen.

how could you fuck the blood right out
watching your outside bleed me
becoming newly reborn from the womb tissue of unforged children
a child of my arms.

i know we made this bloody fucking mess
bloody, fucking mess
wet spots where people sleep crusted sheets
secrets in public places
& hands down my pants
fingers magnetized to my pussy
north fingers and south labia
fucked the baby-never-to-be right out of me
tearing it limb from limb.

i am afraid because i have no arms now
and i am growing into a toddler experiencing my terrible twos with no parenting.

i am the baby you feared.

do you miss fucking your baby?