“North Shore Beefs” by Madison Murray, My Gaping Masshole (2025)

Kelly’s roast beef lips kiss and kegel the mainstage pole at The Squire while Bill & Bob drink Sammy Adams in the VIP booth. Kelly’s certified overpriced, dry, and jiggling in the nightclub like an old brown bedsheet on a line, so bring exxxtra cash for exxxtra sauce next time. She needs it. She’s nasty, the boys all agree; that’s why they love loving to hate her. But now, she’s pimped out nationally: Florida, New Hampshire, and soon to be all fucking over. Throw her in the barrel. She’s a traitor. She’s a whore! She’s a has-been Massachusetts staple, but most of our firsts. She’s mother. She’s a hanging peppery rump. Chewing over her dip and pleats, Bill and Bob don’t tip, despite having the official VIP “Squire Money Gun.”

Over at The Cab, Andy gets hammered off pitchers at a private table with the boys, Mike, DanBob, and Jimme. A herd of beer-bellied bald men with beards crowds close to the North Shore Beefy Boys, crossing their fingers for a picture and some free beef, while a few of the younger fans (21+, some there ironically) drool around the stage. Bella’s twerking her ass up and down to a heavy metal song on the stage floor, her sweetmeat juices splashing the audience’s faces as she rocks her boat. James River came inside of her and she didn’t even take a shower before her shift. She’s sopping wet. It’s filthy good. And the voyeurs goggle with their tongues rolled out like cartoons in love but with roast beef sandwiches for pupils instead of ketchup-red hearts, hopeful to catch a spray of James River from Bella’s flopping pink curtains. Their napkins are ready. Some are wearing bibs. They’ve come from all over the state to open their wallets for a lick. Bella’s the best, Andy told them so. He spread the word on the internet. Thank God for Instagram and Facebook; she doesn’t need to mail out menus no more. Everyone knows her name. She’s loyal, unlike Kelly. She’s local forever like Bill & Bob. She’s fresh-cut and THICK like no other. A Modern Butcher gave Kelly a BBL, wrapped her together in thin white paper, and then put her in a brand-new box for the boys to play with.

Fresh meat doesn’t have to work as hard as old meat, so Bella’s only available until 8 PM Monday–Saturday, get her while she’s hot. If you want anything close to a good time after 8 PM, you’ll have to settle with Kelly or Bill & Bob. They’re fucking famous after all, just eat it raw in the parking lot already. Every local wants a 3-way, especially on Halloween night.