[Putrefacto 10/07/25]
…not only was he weird about kissing me, but he didn’t show me physical affection of any kind. I tried to hold his hand in the movie—no dice. He claimed he’s not into PDA, but this was still a thing behind closed doors.
I felt like he was weirdly not even there with me, despite the fact that we played every pinball machine together. It’s a bizarre thing to try to describe. Like someone who keeps you at such an emotional distance that you feel alone with them, even when their cock is inside you.
I can’t say I’ve ever experienced this with anyone else, and I’ve been with lots of intimacy-phobes. Sadly, they are usually “my type.” But even the worst of them still acted like they wanted to be there during sex. F—’s vibe, at all times, was very “I’d rather be fishing.” When I asked him about it, he took it as an affront. “Now I feel like I did something wrong…”
Trash.
Interesting that his “favorite thing in life is fucking” (direct quote) when the whole time we’re doing it, it feels like he’d rather be doing literally anything else. The only sign of enjoyment is the hard dick itself. This extends to everything, really, even beyond sex. His whole vibe is “I’d rather be doing anything else.”
I felt like a human gloryhole, but I used him like a human dildo, so…it was weirdly empowering despite him completely dissociating during the most intimate experience human beings can possibly have together. It feels like I got above something I’ve felt beneath for the past year or more. I got on top, literally, and I think it ended my toxic crusade of needing to feel sexually desirable as an “aging” woman, to be able to have satisfying sex. All it takes is a dependably hard cock, which has been hard to find—all these dudes, especially younger ones, have blown their dicks out on porn.
TLDR:
Imagine fucking someone who doesn’t look at you, not even once.
Might as well be a gloryhole.
Presence only in total absence.
Nuclear winter of the heart.
Invocation: The divine masculine in radical presence. This is what the flowering Dick Inside looks like.