Mitzi: Dad died
Nate: I saw
Mitzi: You doing okay?
Nate: I’m fine
Mitzi: You coming to the funeral?
Nate: Bit busy won’t make it.
Nate: Sorry
Mitzi: I figured.
Nate: Is that okay?
Mitzi: Its fine.
Mitzi: How’s Lindsay doing?
Nate: Your guess is as good as mine.
Mitzi: Everything okay?
Nate: Yeah just shit with Beth.
Mitzi: Fuck up again?
Nate: Probably. Lindy stopped answering my texts.
Mitzi: That doesn’t sound like Beth.
Nate: I know
Mitzi: Sell your raccoon vid yet?
Nate: Close
To: submissions@ambrosemedia.com
From: jonandnateplusnate@mailmail.mail
To whom it may concern,
My name is Nate Benning. You may remember me from previous submissions to Bucky Ambrose’s Ambrose Alert Vid of the Day. I submitted “Man Eats Avocado in One Bite,” “Man Eats Purell Cereal,” and “Man Eats War and Peace” (Which are all still available for exclusive rights at a discounted price if you decide to purchase all three). I am writing this email in conjunction with a golden whale of a video. We’re talking peak virality and I’d love to debut this one on Bucky’s channel given his level of prestige. “Man attacked by Rabid Raccoon in Convenience Store” fits perfectly within the chief demographics of the Bucky Ambrose Alert fandom. We’re talking “Dolphin Fart” numbers. Or even “Stoned Tapeworm.”
I’ll set the stage: After a long shift at work, a man enters a convenience store and is followed in (unbeknownst to him) by a rabid raccoon (yes it was tested. yes it had rabies. yes the man had to get hella rabies shots). What follows is a battle of epic proportions in which the raccoon latches onto the man’s right foot and after repeated attempts at kicking the fucker off, he is finally dislodged, only to crash up through the ceiling tiles then back down to the floor. It proceeds to run out the door and off into the night.
Here’s the twist. I am the man in the video. I am the man who had to get hella rabies shots.
I know the prize-winnings for the Ambrose Alert Vid of the day is $1000, but I am looking for $5000 for the video rights as well as an exclusive interview with Bucky (It can be on his second channel if need be).
I look forward to hearing from you.
Sincelery,
Nathan Benning Jr.
Nate: Morning.
Nate: I love you.
Nate: Please just tell me what i did wrong
Nate: I am your father you can’t treat me this way
Nate: I know I haven’t always ben there for u
Nate: but I love you. (heart emoji)
Nate: and I know you love me
Nate: It isn’t easy being eleven
Nate: shit gets ducked you know
Nate: *fucked
Nate: you didn’t get anything while it was good
Nate: the planet is dying
Nate: everything’s been in the crapper since 9/11
Nate: hard 2 get by
Nate: is that whats pissing u off?
Nate: off?
Nate: I (heart emoji) you
Nate: I think the raccoon vid has a good shot
Nate: submitted it to Bucky Ambrose
Nate: if it wins the Ambrose Alert
Nate: will you text me back?
Lindy: (thumbs up emoji)
To: jonandnateplusnate@mailmail.mail
From: michaell@ambrosemedia.com
My man!
Nathan fucking Benning Jr.
I cannot begin to explain to you how happy I am to have received your most recent submission.
Allow me a second to introduce myself. My name is Michael Loeb (Michelob Lite around the office), and I am the head of Content Curation for Bucky Ambrose and the Ambrose Media Co. I have a wonderful deal for you.
First off, my condolences to you for the passing of your father. I am not sure if you know this, but I had been in contact with your father before his untimely passing. (Sidenote: May I ask about the cause of your father’s death? We have a bit of a betting pool going on around the office.) Your father was a legend. And it is wonderful to see you carrying the torch for your old man. The world is a bit less interesting since he’s gone, wouldn’t you say?
I’ll get to the point. The reason I was in contact with your father is that we had been negotiating the sale of his most recent work, White Cum Compilation #7. Your father had mentioned keeping his content creation career a secret from those he knew, so this may come as a surprise to you, but your father was in fact Wallace_Tron, the famed creator of the previous White Cum Compilation videos. And though we had an agreement signed in principle over the sale of that video to Ambrose Media, no transaction had ever taken place.
This is where it comes to you and a deal. For procurement of your father’s latest video, we are willing to pay you $25,000 for both White Cum Compilation #7 and Man Attacked by Raccoon (Better name. Suggests this is the definitive Man Attacked by Raccoon vid. Descriptors dilute. Rule #3 of content creation).
If by chance you don’t know what to look for, White Cum Compilation #7 features an old white male’s (your father’s) face never shown to camera, camera in passenger seat of car, yelling “white cum!” repeatedly at various drive-thru windows, then speeding off. Your father suggested playing the Fuel song “Hemorrhage (In My Hands)” over it, but Legal states it would kill the revenue on it.
I look forward to hearing back from you.
My man,
Mike Loeb
Nate: Have you ever heard the name Wallace Tron?
Mitzi: Nope
Nate: did dad ever talk to you about vids?
Mitzi: like your vids?
Mitzi: No
Mitzi: I’m sorry Nate. I don’t think it was your fault
Mitzi: He wasn’t all there the last couple years
Nate: did he ever make vids himself
Nate: that you know of
Mitzi: What’s going on, Nate?
Nate: Just curios
Mitzi: I know he had an old vhs recorder
Mitzi: Kept it in the backseat of his Buick
Mitzi: of all places
Mitzi: tho i never saw him use it ever
Nate: You think it would be possible to come over?
Nate: have a look around
Mitzi: is this some closure bullshit
Mitzi: common ground shit
Mitzi: cause if it is
Mitzi: dad wasn’t a deep shitty dad
Mitzi: he was just a shitty dad
Mitzi: and now he’s gone
Mitzi: there’s really nothing more to sift through
Nate: So no?
Mitzi: i never said no im just saying be careful
Nate: how?
Mitzi: you have a problem with overthinking shit
Mitzi: and underthinking shit
Mitzi: you never seem to attack shit from the right angle
Mitzi: im dealing with dad’s shit now
Mitzi: and the last thing i need is your shit up in my shit
Nate: you can leave his keys in your mailbox
Nate: you wont even know i was there
Mitzi: don’t do that Nate that isn’t what i meant
Mitzi: you know i’d love to see you
Mitzi: bring lindsay we could do dinner
Nate: its gonna be a quick trip
Nate: gotta work thursday
Nate: i’ll be by for the keys tomorro
Nate: mail box is fine
Mitzi: ok
To: michaell@ambrosemedia.com
From: jonandnateplusnate@mailmail.mail
Michaeloeb Lite,
I wish I could be writing you under better cirCUMstances, but I have CUM up a little short. Sorry for the cum jokes. Just trying to lessen the blow. Thanks for the condolences. Unfortunately, my father and I were never really close. Like I have a lot of memories of us when I was younger and even older, but they must not have been that great of memories, since I haven’t really felt that sad about him dying. I’m not implying that it was wrong for you to say condolences at all, it’s just that they weren’t really necessary since I’m over it.
Anyway, I went over to his house and sifted through his video cassettes and there were a lot of videos there. Some were fairly disturbing, if I’m honest. Like somehow, he’d come across this tote filled with reptiles and snakes and what-have-you, and he’s just sitting in it, singing “Zombie.” That song by the Cranberries. He’s never liked reptiles as far as I know, so that’s a little strange, but what makes it weird as shit is that he doesn’t seem to be singing for the camera. Like he’s not performing. He’s just enjoying his snakes and lizards and singing a song he likes.
Another one is him making a can of spaghetti-ohs, but the generic kind. He’s also smoking a cigarette but keeps coughing. Not some coal black emphysema cough either, the man never smoked a day in his life. It’s a virgin lung cough. He was almost eighty and near death and had picked up smoking? Weird shit, right? Tons of videos like that.
But, no cum compilation. Nothing even close to that. There was even a moment I began to question whether you got the right guy, so I logged on to Bucky Ambrose’s Ambrose Alert website (great userface, by the way, really usable. high quality stuff) and watched the other videos. Sure enough, that was pops. Definitely his voice. Though while he was living, I don’t think I ever heard him say the word “cum.” He’d say “piss, shit, cunt,” all day. But never “cum.”
So, here’s the deal. No cum compilation. But I can get you the rest of his vids (I’m telling you. They are weird as shit) PLUS my raccoon vid for the original deal. $5000 for rights plus interview. Even could interview me as Wallace_Tron’s son. I didn’t know him that well, but I could do that.
Let’s Dance,
Nate
P.S. My dad died of a heart attack
Nate: Can you tell my raccoon vid was fake?
Lindy: yes
Nate: How come you’ll only text me bad things?
Nate: Have I been a bad father?
Nate: If you don’t text me back
Nate: it means I was a good father
Nate: I’m taking your silence as a yes
Nate: I’m a good dad
Nate: Right?
To: jonandnateplusnate@mailmail.mail
From: michaell@ambrosemedia.com
Nate
unless you can procure the video in question we have no deal.
we are not interested in buying any of your videos
the raccoon looked fake as shit bro
get a life
M
Mitzi: Jesus Christ, Nate
Nate: what now?
Mitzi: Was that u at wendy’s
Mitzi: On Grand
Nate: Why?
Mitzi: Beth just called me
Mitzi: fuming pissed
Nate: Why?
Mitzi: apparently u were yelling white cum in the drive thru
Mitzi: that wasn’t you, right?
Mitzi: right?
Nate: Beth was asking?
Mitzi: Lindsay saw you apparently
Nate: why would Linds be at a Wendy’s
Mitzi: she works there
Nate: since when is Wendy’s hiring 11yos?
Mitzi: 11? Lindsay is 16?
Mitzi: fuck u on, Nate?
Nate: did she describe the dude
Mitzi: she said he was wearing a mask
Mitzi: but she said it was clearly you
Nate: doesn’t ring a bell
Nate: my poor lindyboo
Nate: is she alright?
Mitzi: That’s not the point
Nate: was she embarrassed of me
Mitzi: no
Mitzi: she said it was hilarious
Nate: fuck yeah