A letter from our Assqueezitions Editor

Ever since I can remember, I always knew I wanted to be Cum Punk. Well, at least not until I met Kum V. 

If you’re a bored, imaginative, curious fella like me, you know all too well that before you do anything, whether it be making an important business decision, going out with friends, or even getting up in the morning, one thought that will come across your mind is: “Should I rub one out now, or later?” 

Stress is one of those constants in life that can always be solved by releasing cum into the world. You release a lil bit of yourself onto your tummy, or a towel, or onto another person. 

Do you remember being a silly little tadpole sperm baby? If only we could go back and experience the joy of being shot out of a cannon, so to speak. And well, if we can’t ever develop the technology to do that, then it’s best we celebrate the beauty of cum joy. 

It’s funny, because cumming is one of life’s simplest pleasures that also offers an excruciatingly pleasant cum-down. Post-nut clarity absolutely makes the trains run on time, but here at Cum Punk, cum is what makes the trains run, period. 

No matter what you believe or what kind of cum you prefer, the world revolves around jizz, splooge, wiener mayo, ectoplasm, sticky lickies, lizard spit, whatever you want to name it. There’s just no fighting it. 

I like to think that being involved with Cum Punk has helped me discover a new side of myself. It has unleashed gooey, radical self-love that otherwise would have been trapped inside those delicate balls of mine that swing ever so softly. 

Cum is love, cum is life, and in a time when it is needed most, the way of Cum Punk is here to bring you everything your heart (or incognito mode) desires most.

–C.U.Morgenrede

A letter from our Cum Punk Queen (Editor-in-Chief)

In order to know virtue, we must first acquaint ourselves with vice. 

–Marquis de Sade

Imagine a world in which the pornographic imagination is visible in plain sight, where cross-eyed, twisted, drooling cummie faces are plain to see in public daylight…

This is the world you are about to enter.

The Cum Punk Way is radical inclusion and acceptance. All cums are welcome, the more sexually incontinent the merrier, but gooners and edgers and even the semen retentive may find a home here, among our dumb cumbs and cum academics, our problematic cums and cum tearjerkers, our angsty cums and cum jubilance. 

Cum Punk is a creamscape. Our love is a liquid. 

The Cum Punk multiverse is manifold, and in the increasingly manifold Cum Punk multiverse, things belong together that would ordinarily be doubted as belonging together. Here on this free-range funny farm, we welcome high contrast, stark reality, duality within the (w)hole–darkness and light, irony and sincerity, from high camp to base instinct. 

Cum Punk is words in freedom, ideas in freedom.

Whether critical or cartoonish, clerical or cringe, Cum Punk trolls in earnest. We are The Esoteric Order of the Cum Cow just as we are Ernest Goes to Cum Cow Camp. We are erotic-as-aesthete just as we are erotic-as-trash.

Cum is in-your-face life energy. We are here to blow loads and do big juicy squirts in the faces of sex neurosis, prudish pretension, and desire-dementing repression. Gone are the days of self-leaving, disembodied cums. Now is the time of fully embodied, self-arriving cums! We bust through fear and shame as hard as we bust our finest, most violent nuts. 

Here at Cum Punk, we seek the stupefyingly cumtittlyhumptious. We cum prolifically, voluminously, volubly, ballistically, bombastically, and belligerently. There is always cum a-plenty. First the tip, then the spackled cum spectacular. Potent and abundant, we overbrim.

We strive to be a reminder of what the fuck punk even is. 

Cum joy is an act of resistance, and so Cum Punk is an act of resistance. Love and pleasure are the intellectual agenda.

It is in this spirit that Cum Punk is born.

–Kum V