Anton Cumcre interviews Kum V about Cum Punk, the physical and emotional aspects of ejaculation, and the true meaning of cum joy.
KV: I really do have a passion for cum. It’s a physical expression of another person’s pleasure. It’s so intense, and it’s also weird, and it’s scary, in a way…
AC: I kind of want there to be a shirt that just says: “I have a passion for cum.”
KV: I have a little poem, and it’s like:
I’m a cum slut.
I live by the load.
My cum joy is so wild and free.
The wholesome hole is my whole jam.
And cum is my hole jam.
AC: I enjoy that.
KV: Yeah, like the first time I tasted cum, I cried.
AC: That is…
KV: I cried! I was so…I just wasn’t prepared for the experience. I mean, I obviously knew cum was going to happen, but I think the reality of it just hit me in a different way. And the taste was really, it was like…wOoOw. It tasted like chlorine, a little…and I just cried. I wept.
AC: I am slightly concerned about the person whose cum tasted like chlorine. I’m a little worried for that person.
KV: Okay, but am I wrong, or does cum not sort of smell like brie, like the rind of brie?
AC: No, brie, I will give you.
KV: It smells like cum!
AC: But chlorine terrifies me. I don’t want antiseptic cum.
KV: It tasted chemically, a little.
AC: I will give you chemically.
KV: It was bitter in a way that I was not expecting. And it was obviously, like it was something I had never tasted in my life until that moment. I guess I just felt so weird about that, and then I probably also felt weird about the experience. I mean, this was with my high school sweetheart who I lost my virginity to. This was not just a random weirdo. This was someone I was in love with…
AC: “There I was, on my knees behind the Wendy’s, as glass shards dug into my knees, I was weeping with the joy of multi-chlorinated goodness…”
KV: This was not a joyful weeping, though. This was a growing pains type of crying, where you just hit some type of life milestone and don’t really know how to handle it. I tasted cum for the first time, and it was an intense experience. But my cum joy would develop over time. I would start to get really excited. Like, “Yeah, I want to see the cum.” I get upset if somebody doesn’t cum. Like, I want you to fucking cum!
AC: I understand that, though. That makes me happy to hear. Like, I put the fucking work in…
KV: Cumming, and then…I decided to record all this, by the way. I feel like this is good shit.
AC: Marvelous. There should be a thing where, like, the rest of this is for free, but set aside $10 and…
KV: …and you can hear the stirring conclusion of this cum interview!
KV: And you know, not being very good about wearing protection over the course of my life. Though, surprisingly—and this is not to shame or stigmatize STDs—but I’ve had very few. I remember a friend of mine, when I was in my 20s, this gay man who I love dearly and who was really promiscuous and so was I, which was partly why we were such good buddies, but I was telling him about my exploits at the time, which were many, and which were cum-soaked, and he was like, “Baby, I’m so happy for you, but don’t let your cum joy be too free!” He was worried I’d catch something, you know, that might kill me. And that never happened, thankfully. But yeah like…really wanting the raw cum straight from the celestial cum cow udder is how I’ve lived my life. I have lived by load, and load for load, I have persevered and persisted and clawed my way up from fucking chasms at times, just to be able to experience more pure, unbridled, cum joy, which has led us to the present day.
I have lived by load, and load for load, I have persevered and persisted and clawed my way up from fucking chasms at times, just to be able to experience more pure, unbridled, cum joy.
AC: And if only the people could see the look on your face as you’re talking about this, the relaxed comfort and happiness, not even ecstasy, just relaxed happiness…
KV: It’s like bliss.
AC: You’re just like, as you’re looking back over your life and thinking about all the loads that have come across you, you’re like, “You know what? That one right there? Yeah, that was a good one. So was that one. I’ve taken some really good loads in my life…”
KV: What if I had all my cums tagged and bagged? That would be fucking so crazy. In my mind, they’re not super specified. And I’ve had some unpleasant things happen to me sexually. I don’t want to get into that because that’s gonna be a buzzkill. It’s not like it’s all been roses. But when I look at the big picture, I have a positive view of it. Even people I don’t even really like anymore, and even people who’ve done really bad things to me, I still feel this spiritual, radical sort of acceptance about it. Like no matter what happened, in this moment, there was cum joy, which I’m sure is something other people might completely disagree with and find upsetting. But I find that I have to be very positive in life, and the older I get, the more I feel it’s like dire for me to have an optimistic outlook, even in the face of things that would make you want to feel the opposite. So, I think that’s why I am the way I am, especially insofar as life experience. I have learned something with every cum, both good cums and diabolical cums and everything in between. Every cum teaches.
I have learned something with every cum, both good cums and diabolical cums and everything in between. Every cum teaches.
AC: I also feel like…that should be a hat. That should be a baseball cap.
KV: “Every cum teaches” is the hat. And what’s on the shirt?
AC: The…
KV: “I live by the load”
AC: Honestly, “I live by the load” should be a chest tattoo for buff gym dudes. If you are a dainty woman, it should be right along the bottom of your stomach-to-pubic area, or along your inner thigh. But a dude should have it in those big old school gothic letters fucking stretched all the way across their veiny-ass pumped up steroid-filled chests.
KV: “I live by the load” would be a great tramp stamp.
AC: Oh, I agree. You set that up very well. In very delicate writing, very thin, very flowy writing that’s a little hard to read. You need to concentrate on it. Because honestly, if somebody is at that point, you want them concentrating.
KV: Yeah. I mean, would it make you cum harder if somebody had “I live by the load” tattooed on their lower back?
AC: I feel like, at that moment, I would be like, “You know what? I need to make this one count. I can’t be half-assed here. This can’t be a little dribble coming out. I need to fucking get in there, because this is a motherfucker who lives by the load.”
KV: Have you ever had a sad cum?
AC: Yes, I have.
KV: How would you describe a sad cum? Then I’ll tell you how I would. I just want to see if there’s any consensus.
AC: As a guy, a sad cum…you’re just forcing that thing out, because you’re desperately trying to feel something. You just want it to be there. And it doesn’t even, like, shoot. It just drools down.
KV: There’s no torque behind it. There’s no hydraulic…
AC: There’s no impetus.
KV: It’s not even a projectile.
AC: It’s just tears, sad tears of a sad dick.
KV: Have you ever actually cried while cumming?
AC: No, I have not.
KV: It’s an interesting experience. I think everyone should experience it once in life.
AC: Ok…
KV: Having a sad cum, like, I don’t know. I’ve had anxiety attacks where I felt like the remedy was to fuck. So, there have been times when I’m crying, having an anxiety attack, and fucking until I get my nut. So, I’m technically crying while cumming, and this probably sounds really fucked up and twisted, but I have found things like that to be some of the most potently powerful sexual experiences, where there’s such an extreme range of feeling going on…
AC: So, what you’re saying is, for the general public who may want to perhaps get with the goddess that is Kum V, is to induce an anxiety attack…
KV: I wouldn’t say induce one…
AC: “…and so now the world is collapsing, I mean, wanna fuck?”
KV: I mean, sometimes it’s the only way to ground yourself back into your body. I think sex is the most intense experience you can have with another person. I can’t even think of anything that’s more physically, and in every way, intense. And you feel different after. You’re not gonna come out of fucking feeling the same way you did before. This another thing where it’s like, “Wow. You must be really fucking sick in the head, right?” Like, am I really that sick of an individual? I don’t think so. I do think you have to know your limits and your boundaries. You have to know your body. And honestly, a lot of people don’t. So, I wouldn’t recommend experimenting with certain things unless you’re pretty self-aware and fully present in your body. That being said, if you can have an orgasm while crying, it might change your life.
If you can have an orgasm while crying, it might change your life.
AC: Although admittedly, when I’m having a panic attack, that does not usually seem to be an option for me. I’m a huge fucking asshole, and so at no point in time is something like, “Oh, this person is yelling at me and freaking out about everything. Oh, hell yeah, do I want to jump on it!”
KV: I mean, yeah, it has to be a situation where the person having the…I don’t know. I’m losing the plot of my own freaky tale here. But just that intensity, you know? That’s very Cum Punk, to have that complete range there. Because—how does he put it?—Austin Osman Spare, who I love so much, who basically invented chaos magick, which includes things like masturbating to create a vacuity of the mind in which it is allegedly possible to cast sigils and spells and stuff. But he described “self-love,” which obviously has masturbatory connotations, as being “the emotion of laughter.” Like, orgasm is the emotion of laughter. I can’t get that out of my mind. I think it’s one of the most interesting things I’ve ever encountered. So, if you’re thinking about the emotion of laughter sort of presenting itself in orgasm while you are crying and having an anxiety attack, it’s just a very vivid emotional experience. I don’t know if regular…because I don’t consider myself a regular, normal person at all…but if just the average person experiences sexual passion pitched to that degree. Like, probably not. I don’t know. But I want this for people.
KV: Oh, you’re muted…
KV: You muted because you had to blow a big, sloppy, squirty load.
AC: I did. And this was not a sad cum, this was a very happy, very emphatic, very happy cum. It dented my wall a little bit. So, it really had some power behind that spackle.
KV: “Spackle” is Cum Punk.
AC: I did not mix up enough gypsum with it.
KV: Ready-mix cum to cement over all your problems!
AC: Just add tears and stir.
KV: And then you’ll have an orgasm like Kum V!
AC: There we go! But how to induce a panic attack, though?
KV: I don’t know. Maybe watch The Day the Clown Cried? Try to get your hands on a copy of The Day the Clown Cried…
AC: See, these people will just come up to you randomly, at whatever your most common place to hang out is, with a copy of The Day the Clown Cried, and…
KV: Oh, they want me to service them? Oh, they’re gonna want Kum V to give them their crying orgasm? What if suddenly people made pilgrimages to me, for me to induce panic attacks then fuck them so they can experience this unusually extreme-pitched orgasm?
AC: I do feel like that is a thing that no one else is offering.
KV: It’s an untapped market. This is why Cum Punk is filling a gap.
AC: Yes. And apparently, it’s spackling that gap shut!
…
AC: So, after all of that, after dragging us through all of you, why are we doing this?
KV: Why are we doing Cum Punk? Because we can. And because no one can tell us not to. Cum Punk might not be what we need, but it is what we deserve. I think it’s filling a gap, filling a hole, filling multiple holes at the same time. I think we all have holes shot through our fucking psyches, and I’m just trying to patch those over with some good old-fashioned cum. So, that’s why we’re here, and that’s why Cum Punk is here. And I sure hope folks like the anthology. And I really hope I don’t get slapped with a federal obscenity charge.
Cum Punk might not be what we need, but it is what we deserve. I think it’s filling a gap, filling a hole, filling multiple holes at the same time. I think we all have holes shot through our fucking psyches, and I’m just trying to patch those over with some good old-fashioned cum.
AC: I mean, if I go to prison for something, please let it be this.
KV: I tend to agree.
